SandersIsWondering's Datingish

Trapped Between an Ex and a Hard Place

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 06:06:16 GMT

I made the recent, naive decision, to fly to another continent and spend time with my "boyfriend" and his family. My boyfriend, now ex, and I have been separated for several months due to distance. However, we saw each other sporadically and made frequent contact via skype. We've had some problems in the past, but after spending time in Europe I assumed our relationship was headed in a great direction. I thought that being with him and his family in Asia was the next step to bring us closer.

Unfortunately, I was completely and utterly WRONG. Not only did my ex unintentionally reveal to me that he does not see a future with us, but also, he views me as a companion and is not in love. I am very hurt because I invested so much time, energy, and now money in the relationship due to my trip. He is a great friend, and I love him as that, but I cannot help that I want more.

Where does that leave me? I am still in Asia staying with the family and it's very awkward. The last two days I barely spoke to him and I really don't want to talk. At the same, this is my first time in Asia and I want to make it worth it despite my heartbreak. My ex is very flirty with me and still wants my companionship. I've been warming up a little to reduce the awkwardness, but I'm still definitely on guard.

Therefore, I am wondering: how should behave toward him being that I am so hurt, but abroad? Also, we have a great friendship, but I'm resentful about the way I was treated in the relationship (he never felt fully connected to me after almost 4 years), should I keep up communication because I right now I'm leaning against it.

Doin' Too Much?

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:07:57 GMT

I'm currently wondering about "doin' too much" to get the attention of the person you like. For example, too many phone calls, emails, or text messages to your crush. This is an important action to contemplate because in the realm of courtship (and perhaps life) balance and moderation are the keys to happiness and success. No doubt you want to put yourself on that special someone's radar and build a bond, but at the same time no one want to be put in "Creepville"- and that's exactly where doin' too much can land a hopeless romantic.

Furthermore, not only is there the issue of creepiness from doin' too much, but also there is the matter of looking too available or desperate. In the beginning of courtship ( and maybe the middle and end. I don't know) there is sometimes a pull for power. We have probably asked ourselves or our friends: "Who called who first?", "Who initiated the date?", "How many times did the person try to contact?" So when it comes to "doing too much," dis-empowerment is another layer on the topic to consider.

And finally, status of relationship between crusher and crushee are also important. If the crush is already your friend or just an acquaintance can make a big difference. Although both instances run the risk of becoming a creeper or dis-empowered from "doin' too much," I bed to argue that the threshold is different, since as a friend, you're already guaranteed more access to your crush.

So I'm just curious about other people's experiences with "doin' too much". . . Some questions to explore: have you ever done too much or had someone do too much for you? What was it about the actions that was pushing boundaries and how did you deal? Is there even a way too tell when someone is doin' too much or is every experience too individualistic to the point of too convoluted too generalize?

Breaking All the Rules

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:53:05 GMT

Today my ex-boyfriend and I had a conversation about his constant use of rules in dating. It wasn't him having rules that we disagreed on, but what I interpret as him breaking them all whenever he wants, to the point where I fail to see how they serve him in the first place. For example, my ex has been involved with 4 girls this year and was officially in a relationship with 3/4 of these girls. Girlfriend #1 was me. His rule at the time was he would not date long-distance and he wanted a Chinese girl who knew Chinese culture. Well I am a black girl who was planning to study abroad at the time. Two weeks into dating he broke up with me for these reasons. Girlfriend #2 was a Chinese girl who was "white-washed" according to him and did marital arts. I was surprised because he had also mentioned that he did not want a girl who did the same thing that he did: martial arts. So guy who wants traditional Chinese girl not involved in martial arts dates non-traditional Chinese girl who does martial arts...I think it lasted two months. By this time he was positive that he wanted a long term relationship that could lead to marriage. Girl #3 was a bisexual girl who was not ready for commitment- needless to say, that didn't last very long. So now he's on Girl #4/Girlfriend #3 and they're 2 weeks into dating. At first I was really confident about this girl because he was so happy. But then I became skeptical because they met in L.A. and he lives in Berkeley, CA (a 371 mile difference).

"Is this a long distance relationship?" I asked
"Yes"
"But I thought you didn't want one of those"
"I didn't" he responded.

And this is how we came to the rule discussion. My ex maintains that he has rules, but believes that they have to be adapted when the situation calls for it. I agree. But my point was his 'rules' tend to adapt for every situation: whenever he finds a girl he fancies, he breaks the rules, but not too soon afterward, they break up. Well, what was the point of having the rule in the first place!

My ex said that he does not want to miss out on his dream girl girl because of some silly rule and that's why he's always making exceptions. I say, how do you expect to find your dream girl if you're always making exceptions for girls who don't fit your dream girl rules?

So I want to know because I think this is partly a battle of linguistics, not just implementation: What do you think about having rules in dating? Does my ex really have 'rules' and given how he uses them, should he in the first place?

The Double Standard Does Not Exist(?)

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:38:59 GMT

I recently debated with a friend of mine about the "double standard" in dating and I think that this friend made an interesting point. I supposed that its a double standard when a girl is intimate with multiple guys and her sexually is attacked, but when a guy performs the same thing he is labeled 'the man' and his sexual conquest are revered by others. This is when my friend countered my argument with not only is this scenario not unjust, but the double standard does not exist...

According to my friend, there is a reason why a girl's sexuality can be attacked if she participates in promiscuity, but the same cannot be upheld for a male. Apparently, this is because sexual invitations come more easily and frequently for women than for men. My friend told me: "If sex was curry, then girls would be getting offered curry all the time, so they can pick and choose which days they want it. Guys, however, never get offered curry so they have to take it when offered. Imagine a guy knocking on 10 girls' door for sex. What are the odds that any of those girls are going to sleep with him. Very little! Now, imagine if you knocked on 10 guys' door for sex...chances are at least 7 out of those 10 guys are going to take you up on that offer!"

I would interpret that the underlying logic for my friend's position is that the double standard cannot exist because if a guy does actually manage to juggle women, given the disadvantageous position he is in as a male who wants sex, and furthermore, considering the skills it must have taken to overcome such a disadvantage, then he truly is and fairly does deserve to be celebrated. On the other hand, a girl is not in a disadvantageous position for sex, but if anything has the power to be discerning about who she wants. Therefore, if a girl is not executing the power she holds, then she is in a way being easy- ultimately opening the doors for criticism.

I find this entire debate very interesting and I think it shakes the very foundation of the 'double standard' as a coveted example of gender hypocrisy and misogyny in our culture. I am just wondering what other people might think...

I Can't Date You Because We're Friends(?)

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 21:10:13 GMT

I am currently curious about friendships and whether or not they should be mixed with romantic feelings. When I was young (and naive) I always imagined that my SO would also be someone that I had been friends with for awhile. We would start off as platonic and unassuming friends, and with time, trust, and shared experiences, I pictured that friendship naturally involving into something more...

But as of late, I've been thinking that perhaps friendship hinders romance as opposed to helping it grow. I remember when my ex-boyfriend asked me out and I initially said "No" because I valued our friendship too much. It might sound crazy, but the last thing I wanted was for us to not be on talking terms because the relationship ended badly. As someone who really values friendship, and hates to lose a good friend, I am sometimes torn between showing romantic interest in a friend and the fear of losing them due to relationship drama. In fact, sometimes I think that it would be better to date someone that I didn't know and become friends in the process, than to date someone that I grew with in some aspect...Because lets face it, when you're in a relationship the rules and expectations for behavior changes; and it is my belief that this could present a potential problem, especially for two people use to one type of dynamic between them.

Therefore, I cannot help but wonder: Has anyone else gone through these conflicting emotions and romance? And how did you deal with them?

Super Friend or Super Sleezy?

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 10:00:38 GMT

It is currently "Fresher Week" at my university which is basically a week of clubbing and pubbing for the incoming Freshman class. My guy friend, who I will refer to as "Super Friend", has been extra flirty with many (if not all) of the freshmen girls in our living accommodation, and has even stated that he's looking for a hookup. The interesting thing about this situation is he has yet (to my or our friend's knowledge) to accomplish his mission, and some friends are even sensing a hint of frustration.

Last night a girlfriend and I debated with a guy friend about the nature and perception of Super Friend's courtship (ish) behavior. Basically, the girlfriend and I interpret Super Friends behavior as over-the-top and player-like and are not surprise if girls are not hooking with him. I mean, every time we see Super Friend he's chatting up and taking down some random girl's number. A girl might have his attention for a minute or two, but next thing you know Sally or Suzie or whoever is currently the flavor of the day (or hour)...and perhaps this could be okay if we didn't all live in the same hall! Our point is we don't know what self-respecting girl would hookup with a guy who she can physically see moving on to the next target within the hour...

But our male friend views the situation differently from us girls (unsurprisingly). According to him Super Friend is trying to meet new people and keep his dating options open. The male friend believes that Super Friend is just a young guy in a new place, looking for some female companionship and there is nothing wrong with that. No arguments there. But I believe that there is way to go about things, and behaving like an aggressive bee, moving from flower to flower, is not very appealing to me.

With all this male vs. female perspective about the situation, I cannot help but wonder: Is Super Friend really just a young guy having some innocent fun or is he actually a womanizer that girls should be very weary of? And if you were a girl in our hall, would you hookup with him?

Are Short-term Relationships Worth It?

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 02:48:18 GMT

I am currently curious about short-term relationships and if they can be meaningful. This past March I was in a relationship with a guy I will refer to as "Craig". Craig and I knowingly became boyfriend and girlfriend even though I was scheduled to study abroad the following fall semester. We decided that because there was undeniable chemistry between us, we should enjoy our limited time together and not worry so much about the future. Well...before I could relish my new in a relationship Facebook status, Craig broke up with me because he felt like a short-term relationship was actually a waste of time, and he wanted something long-term after all.

This summer I was still having trouble trying to reconcile romance and a short-term relationship. I wanted to have fun, but still see someone consistently in a romantic way (Have my cake and eat it too?). However, the guys that I met were either interested in fun without any commitment or commitment with the possibility of a long-term relationship. I understand the risk that comes with committing and possible becoming attached to someone who is leaving the country...but for a romantic looking to have some fun before departure, I cannot help but wonder: can short-term relationships be meaningful or are they really a waste of time?

Taking the High or Low Road in Love

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:21:03 GMT

There's a saying about dating that goes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince/princess. Unfortunately on the quest for love there will always be people who make our lives a little more complicated, and I would imagine that most serial daters have already encountered one or two of them. "The Liar", "The Cheater", "The Master Manipulator", "The Commitment-phobic": here are just a few of the many bad apples on the dating scene. And while these perpetrators may exit the relationship virtually unscathed, their partners have to move on probably more bitter, skeptical, and less willing to open up than before. Therefore, I wonder, when comes to dealing with those who have not only broke our hearts, but also took advantage of it in the process, is it always better to take the high road than the low road?

I interpret the "High Road" as turning the other cheek to those who have mistreated us and not engaging in any type of revenge. But honestly, would Batman be adored if The Joker nuked Gotham City into oblivion and all he did was say, "Forgive him, for he does not know any better"...I doubt it. In life we give a certain amount of credit to people who teach others a well needed lesson in morality, and furthermore, tend to cheer when the villain gets the butt-whippin' his mother apparently never dished out during youth. However, I have noticed that in love we are sometimes encouraged to take our damage with a grain of salt because it is the "graceful" and "grown-up" thing to do. Our friends might tell us to "move on", "ignore the person", "leave it to karma" or "learn your lesson" instead of ordering 50 pepperoni pizzas to their house.

And although I do not disagree with these friends advice, I am not completely against going out with a bang either, which some might interpret as taking the "Low Road"...(especially if no criminal or long term damage is caused). If the hopeless romantic is forced to wise up for the next relationship, should not the frog be forced to watch before he/she leaps?

The Art of Rejection in an Impersonal World

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 08:12:35 GMT

A few weeks ago I was walking home from work when a pretty good looking guy (obviously interested) approached me. We exchanged contact information and later that week met up to hang out. I will call this guy "Kombucha", and although Kombucha is nice, respectful, and educated, I felt no romantic connection during our meet up. The next day Kombucha emailed me that he had a great time and asked for me to call him so we could plan something else. I did call Kombucha that night, but not to plan anything; instead I told him that although I admire his qualities I wasn't interested in pursuing anything- to which Kombucha replied "How come you didn't tell me this over email?"

Shocked by his advice that I be (what I consider) impersonal, I asked a friend why someone would want to be rejected over email. My friend said that I should have ignored Kombucha's email or sent one back saying that I'm not interested because we live in an impersonal world and this is the best way to carry out rejection...WHAT?!

I think it's one thing to impersonally reject some stranger on Yahoo! Personals, but I find it indecent, not to mention cowardly, to hide behind a computer screen or not say anything at all to a respectable person whose time you have consumed. In fact, the only excuse I can think of to send a "This Just Isn't Working Out" email, is as a way to communicate all feelings so you don't forget later, but plan to talk about them eventually.

This is just my opinion, and perhaps I am being overly sensitive, but I cannot help but wonder if requesting that the person who rejects me look me in the eye or say the words himself, is asking for too much. Therefore, I ask: in the dog-eat-dog world of dating, am I playing it too nice, and would we rather read that email or "take a hint"...or is it reasonable to put a human face on the blow-offs of human emotions?

90% Luck, 10% Perspiration?!

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:13:22 GMT

A friend of mine once said that winter is the dating season because people are cold and want somebody to cuddle with. I don't have any statistical data on this claim , but I do know that nothing makes me contemplate being single more than cold days. On cold days I like to drink tea and watch movies in bed, and I must say it would be nice to have someone next to me to swap some witty jokes with-- I mean, don't want to be running down the hall just to tell my neighbor "That's what she said" because some actor proclaimed, "That was rough". It would just be convenient to have someone already next to me...

But it seems that of late other friends of mine have brought to my attention the apparent absurdity of wanting and actually pursuing a significant other, feeding me the classic line "it will just happen". And now I am in a moral (or perhaps "romantic") dilemma of trying to find the balance between having no expectations and being happy and knowing exactly what I want. However, I cannot help but wonder when it comes to matters of the heart is the mantra best lived "90% Luck, 10% Perspiration" (what I interpret as looking good just cause and being lucky enough to have someone notice) or "90% Perspiration, 10% Luck" (taking a mission impossible approach to love and doing some heavy duty preparation). I've always taken the latter and gotten crap for it, but it's not exactly like luck has been on my side unless it's manifesting itself in the form of cruel irony.

In my experience luck has been the tall, dark, and handsome, grad school-esque type that hit on me in the library, but much to my dismay reveal a smile that implies rocks for breakfast. Or the energetic stranger on the bus who makes me the apple of his eye until some 25 year old disable chick hobbles into his life. Oh, and how can I forget the weird guy with plastic bags for gloves who followed me down the street. Yes, how lucky I am...

Not to say that perspiring 90% of the time has brought me much success either, but I am not wholly convinced that handing off my fate to chance is a better ideology. In life, we are taught that if want something we have to pursue it and are encouraged to take an active approach to our goals. As Thomas Alva Edison once famously said, 'Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration'; and lets face it, no one is telling that kid who wants to get into NYU, "It will just happen". Therefore I ask, in love and for all those people on dating websites, is it that bad to keep your eye on the prize or are we perspirers in desperate need of some cooling off?

“When men attempt bold gestures, generally it's considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho.”- Carrie Bradshaw [Sex & the City]